How are you all doing today?
As you certainly might have seen, I recently had an absenteeism level that was quite high that was due to finals, baccalaureate, exams – all these terrible things. Baccalaureate means end of high school. End of high school means growing up.
And, honestly, growing up is scary.
I think I don’t quite realise yet. I finished my finals on the 18th of June – I’ve been blogging, filming, partying and sleeping since then. I do not realise yet that I’m finally over with high school ; that next year, I’ll be leaving my family and living on my own, in an unknown city in France. I do not realise that next September, I won’t be in class, getting pissed off because I got with that stupid classmate again. I’m going to uni. Means something like three hundreds in a lecture hall. Means too many people.
Also means new encounters. New friends to make. New people to despise. New people to laugh with. New people to cry with.
It’s a whole new beginning – and starting all over is scary.
It might be the reason why I can’t get to realise that, damn, it’s starting for real in two bloody months. Might be the reason why I’m forgetting all about next year by cuddling with my bed while watching some TV Series or writing some new fanfictions.
I’m growing up.
It was quite strange going to prom, having all that celebration going on – and at the end, looking at people that have shared your life for two, three years, more maybe, and realising it’s the end. It’s ending now, and you’re never seeing these people again. Never seeing these teachers you could not stand but also those who helped you get interested in things and develop yourself. It really is a strange feeling.
The end of something that took 12 years of your life. School.
– true, as I am going in uni, I’m keeping on studying. However, some might not – and realising that made me think deeply. I mean, I’m not 18 yet (1st of July is comiiing) but some my age are already working, are starting work soon, are adults. I do not believe I can perceive myself as an adult already.
Is that stupid? Is that paranoia? Is that getting worked up on little things? Maybe. However, it’s scary how sometimes, despite wanting to be the grown up, you get to realise how small and young you are. And I am. And growing up is, indeed, scary.
However, looking back on these three years of high school, I must say I lived some bloomin great years. I made encounters that changed my life – be it friends or teachers, or even enemies. I got to do things I would have never done otherwise. I started blogging, being more confident. I got to realise what I loved. What I wanted to do, after this first part of my education. How I wanted to do it. I went through suffering, through failures. I had moments of joy and successes too. I left quite a loads of things during these three years.
And I think life is wonderful when I realise all of this. When I realise that, in such a small amount of time, I’ve been able to experience that many things, meet that many people, gain so much knowledge – and it makes me wanting to live and to know even more. It makes me open my arms bright open for what my future has planned for me. Cause damn, I’m ready to grow up if I can have the same three years of knowledge, meetings, and experiences. I’m ready to say goodbye to those three past years, those twelve years of high school, those seventeen near eighteen years of living under my parent’s roof if that means I’ll be getting much more knowledge, much more vivid experiences.
Growing up is scary – advancing in life is scary – leaving your comfort for unknown is scary ; but damn I’m excited for that.
Still, being excited for what still has to come does not suffice to erase that worry inside me – this worry about innocence. About being young in mind. About being caught up in a system that goes by too fast, too quick, too organised already.
Growing up is also getting older, getting responsible, getting adult. And, oh, how I wish not to lose that young spirit of mine. How I wish getting older, while growing up in experiences, knowledge, could be suitable with preserving what makes a young spirit one. Will I be caught up in the system? Will I lose my dreams, my aspirations, my beliefs, conforming myself to what society makes us – wants us to be? Will I grow up losing myself?
I’m being overwhelmed by all these thoughts and I can’t deny how scary and worrying that is.
I’m 100% certain there are loads like me out there, thinking about tomorrow, about what will become of us, our mind, our way of seeing things. Our life routine, our job, our future. I’m definitely not the only worried one out there.
And, all in all, those fears shall only be wiped away by will – the will to remain true to oneself and grow up as we aspire to. Which will shall be kept in my mind, preciously – and years later, I will be reading these words and telling myself, “See, you made it.”
Here, everyone. I don’t have the one and only truth. I’m not the peaceful, intelligent voice we shall all follow. However, if I did have to say one word to everyone out there, being as worried as me, it would be this.
To be confident, full of will-power, and Peter Pan kids we shall remain.
There, lil’pies. I’m sorry this blog issue is a bit random, but as you may have guessed, it’s a touchy subject these days, and I felt like sharing all these thoughts with you. If you have any worries, any feelings you might want to share, I’ll be there for you – and we can all comfort one another in this growing up despair, can’t we?
Loads of lil’kisses from a